I Need You to Trust Me
by kaitlin.perkins42
Summary: Sirius seems to be suffering from Remus' attack just as much, if not more, than Remus is suffering himself. Sequel to Buildings Keep Crumbling.  Cryptic references to rape, pre-slash R/S
1. Chapter 1

Title: I Need You To Trust Me  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Warnings: cryptic references to rape  
>Words: ~2,900<br>Summary: Sirius seems to be suffering from Remus' attack just as much, if not more, than Remus is suffering himself. Sequel to Buildings Keep Crumbling.  
>Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. Absolutely no profit is being made from this.<br>A/N: I honestly hadn't planned on writing a sequel for Buildings, but everyone seemed so interested, and the story seemed to _want _to be written : the ideas just kept coming. Thank you some much to everyone who read Buildings, and I hope this sequel does some justice to what you envisioned. :)

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><p>"Snivellus?" James says incredulously, turning to look fully at Peter. But Peter's reply is drowned out for Remus by the muggy fog of his thoughts. Warring with his shock and confusion is an un-ignorable sense of utter relief. He and Severus have never really gotten along particularly well – which Remus understands as he generally just sits by and watches while Sirius and James torment the boy. But Severus, in return for Remus' inactive part in his teenage torture, has never shown an overt hatred of the boy. Remus doesn't – can't – understand what made Severus do <em>it<em>. At the same time, he feels a rush of liberation that laps at his fear and dissipates it slowly. It doesn't matter anymore that the incident is an unforgivable offense because Sirius didn't commit it – there is no forgiveness necessary, at least when it comes to the one who matters most to Remus.

He slowly clues back into the conversation and realizes that Sirius is staring at him concernedly, hovering over him, brow knit with worry. The animagus' mouth is opening and closing, he is saying something that the buzz of Remus' mind seems to be blocking out.

"Sorry, what?" Remus says, trying to shake himself from his thoughts.

"What happened?" Sirius' voice still sounds far off, as though he is speaking from a distance and Remus looks to James in askance. The boy shakes his head – he has kept his word and hasn't yet dispelled Remus' secret; not even to his best friend. His brother. "Moony, what did he do?" Remus looks at Sirius, sees the worry etched in his face and wonders how it is that he could ever have confused Severus with the boy in front of him – their eyes are so very different. He realizes that Sirius still hasn't touched him, he's still hanging anxiously over, unsure of what action to take, though he is staring so fiercely into his eyes, Remus can feel the burn.

"I…I…he came in here. He…like you." Remus is still having trouble finding his words, he twists the damp towel in his hands and grimaces, embarrassed. He has never stuttered before, but in his nerves and confusion, he finds himself stammering.

"What about me?" Sirius says and Remus can tell that even though the oldest Gryffindor is trying, he is losing what little patience he had – even for Remus.

Remus opens and closes his mouth, a gaping fish out of water, at a loss for words. So he is grateful when James interjects to help him out. "Snivellus came up here and…attacked Moony." He winces before glancing at Remus for confirmation and continues when he receives a short nod. "He must have taken a potion or something because Remus thought he was you."

Sirius blinks and Remus can see that he is clenching and unclenching his fists in the air. Suddenly he spins on his heels and storms from the room, slamming the large door behind him as he leaves in a fury. "Shit!" James yells in the silence after the door slam, staring at the exit.

"Go after him, won't you?" Remus asks, tired and anxious about what Sirius might do just because he is playing the hero. _Repentance for earlier sin_s, Remus thinks despairingly and shakes his head. _It's a good thing we didn't tell him what _really _happened._ James nods and hurries out the door, leaving Remus in his bed and Peter staring – confused – between Remus and the spot where James had been standing. He is clutching a blank piece of parchment in his hand, which Remus knows to be the map. Remus runs his hands over the towel a few times and sets it on his nightstand, grimacing at the pain the small movement causes. "Why don't you come over here and we'll see where they're going?" Remus offers. He has always felt guilty that Peter so often seems to be left out.

The younger boy grins and nods, hastening to join Remus at his bedside, unfolding the map to lay it on the boy's lap. Remus grabs moves to grab his wand from his bedside table, but it is gone. He shrugs, assuming it fell to the floor and promising himself that he will look for it later when he's up to it. He motions for Peter to cast the magic and shortly after they are searching the massive parchment for James' and Sirius' footsteps. They finally find them, in the middle of an old classroom. Severus is nowhere near them, in fact he is already back in the Slytherin common rooms. Remus swallows a lump in his throat at the thought of Severus telling anyone – he hopes that the other boy won't further the indignity of the situation by embarrassing him and sharing his secret. _At least give me that, _Remus thinks while staring at Severus' dot, trying to come to some conclusion as to why he was attacked.

"What do you think they're doing?" Peter says, reminding Remus of his presence.

Remus shrugs and immediately regrets it. His ribs are throbbing and he's sure he's broken them again. "'m not sure. Listen, Pete, do you think you could go and tell Madam Pomfrey that I've re-broken my ribs? Only it's a little painful to walk." Peter looks excited at the prospect of being useful seeing as he rarely has the chance. He nods and leaves Remus with the map, rushing out of the room, leaving Remus to his thoughts.

What Remus really and truly wants is to pretend that the events of the last hour never happened. Once Madam Pomfrey has had the chance to heal his ribs the only remaining scars from the event will be the pain in his ass, and he's sure that that can't last for too long. He scrubs his face with his hands and looks desperately out the window, wishing now – more than ever – that he had a time turner. He knows that he should get out of bed and look for his wand, he's starting to feel a little exposed in its absence, even if it _is _just somewhere under his bed, but all he wants to do is take a shower, change and burrow into his duvet. Never come out again. He decides that he'll wait until Madam Pomfrey heals him, then he can find his wand and go take a shower. He'd prefer to bathe in the prefect's bathroom, but it's too far to walk and besides, he just wants to get it all over and done with as quickly as possible.

To occupy his mind while waiting, he looks back down at the map and sees that James and Sirius are coming back to the common room, moving faster than most of the other people around them. He folds the map, there's no need to keep it out anymore, but leaves it on his lap. One of the other boys will have to clear it for him. It's another five minutes before the door is pushed open once more and Sirius and James come through, breathing hard as though they have run. "Is everything okay?" Remus asks as Sirius falls onto his own bed and runs angry hands through his hair. James shakes his head. "What's wrong?"

Again James shakes his head and Sirius says nothing, lets his hands fall to either side of his body, his legs draped over the edge of the bed. He is wearing Remus' favourite pair of Converse – old and dirtied by too many adventures trying to plot the map. Remus forgets himself for a moment but when Sirius sits up to remove his shoes, he startles Remus from his reverie. "Is there any way you could check under my bed for my wand?" Remus asks James quietly. "I think it must have fallen in the…scuffle." He says the last word quietly and closes his eyes when he is done speaking.

James acts fast and ducks under Remus' bed to search for the AWOL wand. Remus blinks his eyes open and looks over at Sirius, but the boy has his hands shielding his face, effectively blocking out the world. Remus isn't sure why he would be, but Sirius behaviour makes the werewolf concerned that Sirius might be angry with him. James bumps his head on the bottom of the bed, Remus feels the thump just before he hears James' expletive, muffled by the bed. It seems to give Remus the courage he needs. "Sirius, did I do something wrong?" he asks quietly, cautiously. Sirius doesn't lower his hands when he shakes his head, doesn't check to see if Remus has registered the small gesture before rolling over onto his side, his back to Remus. James wriggles out from under the four poster, glasses askew and hair messier than usual. He wipes the dust from his trousers and fixes his glasses and Remus tries to swallow his panic when he sees no trace of a wand.

"Sorry, mate," James says as he rises with the assistance of the bedside table. "No wand." He pulls his own wand from his back pocket and smirks. "Should have done this to begin with. _Accio_ Remus' wand," he says and the two of them wait for a few seconds, hoping. Remus can't tell if Sirius is waiting too or if he's asleep. After a few moments there is still no sign of the wand and Remus groans, James murmurs what he is thinking. "Snape must've taken it." With the realization, Remus finds himself feeling even worse, even more desolate than he did only minutes prior and he hadn't really thought that was possible. It wasn't enough for Severus to take away his control of his body but now he has seen fit to take away his control of his powers as well? For some reason, Remus feels a rush of shame at the thought, but then the dormitory door opens and Peter is leading Madam Pomfrey and the feeling flickers out like a lamp losing gas.

"What happened?" she starts, bustling over to Remus' bed, prodding him gently. "I told you to _rest_!"

Remus shrugs, not wanting to rehash the events of the last hour, not even in his own mind. Let her think that he was intentionally rough housing. If Peter didn't see fit to tell her what had happened when he got her, Remus sees no point in doing so now. Sirius sits up in his bed and looks at Remus and then to Madam Pomfrey. "He was attacked," he says flatly and his tone unnerves Remus.

Madam Pomfrey gasps and waves her wand over Remus. There's a sudden cold rush of something unseen to all of Remus' aches and pains. He looks down at his torso and sees his ribcage glowing a faint red, even through his t-shirt. He groans inwardly, knowing he should have expected the spell. It's the same one she uses after every full, to reveal the parts of him that are hurt the worst so that she'll know where to heal him, because most of the time, he's unconscious and couldn't tell her even if he wanted to. Remus presses further into the bed and just hopes she doesn't ask him to stand or move. She tsks out loud. "You've broken your ribs, again," she says. "I'll have to take you back to the hospital wing and put you on some bone enhancers for the night. I can't heal them again, they're too weak."

Remus will do anything to avoid getting out of bed right now, but his longing to feel better is fighting a fierce battle with his fear of being found out. Every breath he takes causes him pain, and it's only getting worse by the minute. His face is also smarting, he's sure that he has a spilt lip. But he'll do anything – _anything _– to keep his secret. "I'm fine," he lies. "I don't need to go to hospital wing."

Madam Pomfrey shakes her head, because she knows better than to trust Remus Lupin when he tells her that he's fine. "Come on," she says, "up with you." And before he has any more say in the matter, she pulls him bodily up from the mattress and gasps at what she sees. Sirius sits up and Remus hides his face in his hands so that he doesn't have to see the look on Sirius' face that he knows is there, the look that James had not so long ago. That sickening cross of disgusted pity. He leaves the dormitory with Madam Pomfrey's hand on his elbow and is grateful that the common room is empty as they exit.

When Remus wakes the next morning, he is unsure of why he feels so upset. It takes a few moments for the events of the night before to come back to him and when they do, he leans his head back so fast it smashes into the metal railing that subsists for a headboard on the hospital bed. He's been changed into the hospital pyjamas which is nice because they're better than his own, but disturbing because he doesn't remember changing. He glances around and realizes he's in a small sectioned off area, similar to where he is put after the full, but not the same bed. He also realizes that Sirius is asleep in a chair next to his bed, head lolling back, mouth open and emitting a quiet snore. Sirius is still wearing the clothes from his date with Kia, although he has put on an old sweater that Remus is quite sure is his own.

The clock that hangs high on the wall of the hospital wing says that it's five o' clock and since Remus has no windows to look out of and Sirius is here and not at supper, Remus thinks it is safe to assume it's morning. Remus doesn't intend to wake Sirius, but he has to use the loo and when he's shuffling out of bed, Sirius stirs. "It's early," he whispers, gripping the waistband of the too large pyjama pants. "Go back to sleep. I'm just going to the loo."

Sirius rises from the chair and is quickly at Remus' side. "Do you need help?" he asks concernedly.

"I think I've got this one covered, thanks." Remus says before shuffling to the bathroom. When he comes back, Sirius is sitting awkwardly at the end of the bed. Remus plops down next to him and leans against him so that their arms are pressing together. It feels slightly strange touching Sirius like this, after what he – Severus – did to Remus the night before, but Remus feels that returning to normalcy is the best way to get over what has happened. Sirius wraps an arm around Remus and he stiffens. It is only for the smallest of nanoseconds, but Sirius notices it and snaps his arm away, clasping his hands in his lap.

"I can't believe he did that," he says, and his voice is raspy and thick. The only times Remus has ever heard it like this before were after the Prank and after Sirius ran away from home. "I'm going to fucking kill him. As slowly. As. Possible." His clasped hands clench together and turn white in his lap. Remus knows that he should admonish Sirius and tell him no. He knows that he's supposed to be the reasonable one, the responsible one. He knows that he needs to be brave right now. But he doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything. He sits next to Sirius and feels like crying, feels like howling, wants to smash his fists into the walls. He doesn't do anything because he finds at the moment, he is afraid to touch Sirius, to be even this close to him. He doesn't say anything because he agrees with Sirius and killing Severus is just what he thinks they should do.

Of course, he knows that they can't _kill_ Severus. But he certainly wants revenge. More than he's ever wanted it before. He isn't sure if it's the fact that it's just after the full and wolf is still lurking close to the surface or if Sirius' anger has swollen his own, but whatever the reason, he finds himself blinded by it. Last night, he had been shocked and scared, frightened and bewildered. But now, in the morning, feeling stronger than before, he is furious, livid, that someone would try to take something like his friendship with Sirius away. He can't believe that Severus would think it was just _okay _to take liberties like that, to steal someone's pride and dignity while using a friend's façade as a cover up to do so. His hands shake as he pushes himself from the bed and he is about to tell Sirius that he's right when Sirius says something that makes him stop still.

"I can't believe you thought it was me, Moony. I thought you trusted me." And Sirius rises from the bed, exiting the curtain that blocks Remus from the rest of the hospital wing. Remus isn't sure why, but he doesn't follow.


	2. When the Man Comes Around

Title: When the Man Comes Around  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Words: ~2,700  
>Warnings: Reference to past sexual abuse<br>Summary: Remus is on his way to getting some closure, but Sirius makes an unintended confession that opens up a world of possibilites.  
>Disclaimer: None of the characters in the story (other than Kia) belong to me. No profit of any sort is being made off of this.<br>A/N: Thank you so very much to everyone who read Chapter One and showed so much interest in the story. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

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><p>It's not until late in the afternoon that Madam Pomfrey fells she can declare Remus well enough to venture out into the world that is Hogwarts on his own. As it's a Saturday, he doesn't have classes to go to (and he will have most of the weekend to figure out how to get his wand back) but he is famished – too famished to wait for lunch to finish before sneaking down to the kitchens. And besides that, James came to visit after Sirius and all he had to say was how sorry Sirius is and how horrid he feels. Even though Remus thinks Sirius <em>should<em> feel awful about storming out on him like that, Remus has enough to upset him without holding a grudge against his best friend, and he is eager to see things right. He is wearing a sweater and trousers that James brought to the Hospital Wing for him, and even though he usually wears muggle clothes on the weekends, he finds himself missing his school robes; he feels naked without the lengthy folds of dark fabric ensconcing him. He shakes off a worried Madam Pomfrey at the Hospital Wing's entrance, thinking how much worse his embarrassment might be if she followed him all the way to the Great Hall.

His mind wanders as he meanders through the empty corridors, everyone is at lunch, or studying or engaging in other activities back in their respective common rooms. A few of the paintings on the wall wave at him as he passes by, but otherwise his journey to the Great Hall is nominally uneventfull. As he comes upon the massive doors which mark its entrance, Remus can hear the muttered chatter of hundreds of students, accompanied by the occasional clatter of dishes. He steels himself before entering, takes a deep breath and straightens. As he walks in, the hum of conversation fades from him ears and even though he knows it's not silent in the Great Hall, he can't hear anything. He deliberately faces away from the Slytherin table and hurries to the Marauders' usual spots at the Gryffindor table.

Sirius moves over and Remus falls next to him, wincing at the force with which his lands. Sirius promptly fills a goblet with pumpkin juice and hands it to Remus, a contrite look in his eyes. Remus is sure this is all the apology he is going to get and so he nods, taking the goblet and sipping from it. _I forgive you_.

James is sitting across from them and Remus is surprised to see that his arm isn't (as the norm) around Lily's shoulders. "We've been trying to think of ways to get your wand back." His eyes darken for a moment and Remus knows that he is leaving something out, but he doesn't have the energy to fish for information. He just nods and begins to place some food on his plate. When he had been thinking about lunch, he had been so hungry, but now – with all of the food in front of him – he finds his appetite ebbing away. He focuses his energy on the food on his plate and forces himself to eat some chicken.

"What are _you _doing here?" Sirius sneers and Remus snaps his head up to look at the boy. Sirius is gripping his wand tightly on the table and glaring over Remus' shoulder. Remus turns his head slowly and sees that Regulus is standing next to him, so close that his robes brush against Remus' sleeve. "What do you want?" Sirius asks, half rising, preparing for a fight when he doesn't receive and answer to his first question. But then Remus hears something wooden clatter upon the table and looks down, heart hammering with unbidden terror to see Regulus' pale hand pressing his wand to the table. Remus blinks and reaches out, unable to believe that it is his own wand he sees in front of him. But in the middle, he sees some of the tooth marks from when Padfoot stole it for a chew toy. Even if it _is _his, he has trouble understanding why Regulus would return it. He reaches out and his hand hovers, shaking, over Regulus' smaller, pale one, wondering what will be done to humiliate him now. Regulus still hasn't moved his hand and Remus wonders if he will be made to beg for it, here, in the Great Hall, in front of everyone.

But Regulus lifts his hand and hisses "Don't tell," before stalking away. Remus reaches for his wand but James grips his wrist before his fingers can make contact with the familiar stick of wood.

"Wait," he says, and he still hasn't released Remus, who begins to feel a familiar sense of panic rising in his throat. James says something else, but Remus doesn't hear it over the thrum of panic in his ears and he rips his wrist from James' grasp and attempts to remain calm.

"Please don't touch me like that," he says, and it comes out sounding more aggressive than he'd intended it to. He doesn't touch his wand, but draws his hands to his lap, rubbing his wrist as though the skin is raw. "Sorry, it's just-"

"No," James interrupts him quietly. "It's my fault. I wasn't thinking." Nothing else is said for a moment and then James clears his throat. "What I said was, we should take it back to the tower and test it for curses and hexes before you use it." Remus appreciates that he didn't have to request the reiteration and nods dumbly.

"Yeah," Peter says. "Who knows what Snivellus could have done to it?"

James picks the wand up carefully, using a napkin to shield his hand and the four of them make their way up to Gryffindor tower, none of them saying anything until they get to the fat lady and Sirius gives her the password. Once they have clambered in through the portrait hole, Lily is waving at James and calling him over. "Sorry, Lily my dearest," he says, doing a wonderful job of sounding like his usual, love-besotted self, "I've got to do something with my mates. I'll be down in a bit." And without waiting for her response, he leads the other boys upstairs to their dormitory. Remus thinks, now, that it is rather lucky James and Sirius are always concocting pranks against other Hogwarts students, because they know the best ways to curse and hex inanimate objects and so will be able to tell if his wand has been cursed, too. Remus is also very good at revealing hexes – he has to do it a lot for the other three when they receive something that is very likely retaliation for one of their pranks. But Remus doesn't have a wand, so he stands by and watches with Peter while the other two ensure his safety.

It doesn't take more than half an hour for James and Sirius to test the wand to their satisfaction. They gesture for Remus to take it and he tentatively wraps his fingers around the familiar surface. When nothing happens, he snatches it up, grateful to have it back and feeling like maybe he is on the way to getting some closure after the events of the night before. James nods, satisfied that he has done his part to protect his friend, and leaves the room to go and make up with Lily. It shouldn't be too hard, Remus thinks, she is generally pretty understanding these days. Remus rolls his wand in his hands and stares at the floor. Now that he has the wand back, he is unsure of what to do. Up until this point, he was able to focus his mind on the need to retrieve it – but now he has nothing to think on other than thoughts of last night.

"I'm going to go…study," Peter says, which should strike Remus as odd, since Peter rarely studies on his own, but he's not paying much attention to the boy when he scurries out of the room. Sirius drops onto his closed trunk at the end of his bed and kicks out his feet so that his legs are stretched in front of him.

"Glad to have it back?" he asks.

Remus nods and glances at his bed, but suddenly he doesn't want to be there. He doesn't know if the elves washed his bedding last night or where his pyjamas have gone or why that towel is still sitting on his bedside table. There are suddenly too many questions swirling in his head so he walks over to Sirius and settles next to him on the trunk. They barely fit on it, the two of them. They aren't as small as when they were 11 and they would sit atop the trunk in the middle of the night and have whispered conversations because Sirius didn't trust James yet and Remus wasn't too fond of Peter. Sirius jostles Remus with his shoulder and when Remus looks at him, he is offering the werewolf a lopsided, apologetic smile.

"Look, Moony," he starts, but Remus holds up a hand.

"I don't know what was going through your head in the Hospital Wing earlier, but I have a lot on my plate right now." Sirius snorts but Remus doesn't stop to acknowledge it. "If you're just going to give me more to question or worry about, please…just don't say anything. I need…I don't need more, not right now." He knows that he probably hasn't made any sense, but Sirius has always been better at understanding his ramblings than anyone else (which really isn't fair, because most of the time Remus can barely make heads or tails of what Sirius is doing) and if anyone is going to understand him right now, it's going to be the dark haired boy pressing into his side.

"I wanted to apologize," Sirius says quietly. "When I came upstairs last night and James lashed out at me like that…it felt like after the prank." He shifts and draws his knees up so that he can rest his elbows on them. He plants his chin in his hands and Remus wonders if it's so that he can't see the boy's face. "I felt like I was being attacked, again. And then I found out what happened to you." He swallows and shakes his head. "What _he _did to you. I worked so hard to gain your trust back after the prank." His head dips and he lets out a low groan. "James told me this isn't about me, and I _know _that. I know it's about you and I don't want to make it about me. But I hate the idea of you not trusting me again. I hate that he used me to…to do that." Remus wonders if Sirius really knows what happened. If he can't say the word, just like Remus hasn't been able to think it.

Remus places a nervous hand on Sirius' hunched shoulder and runs it over the fabric of the boy's shirt. "I know, Sirius." And for the first time, he really does understand. Remus wasn't the only one who lost control that night – someone used Sirius' body, and Remus' trust of Sirius' body, to get to Remus and do something that Sirius would _never _do. Remus understands now that even though he's suffering, Sirius is suffering, too. He leans forward to lay his cheek on Sirius' back. He can feel the warmth of the animagus' skin through his shirt, the beat of his heart – steady and slow – against his cheek bone. "It's okay," he says, because even though it's absolutely not okay, he's not sure what else to say. Sirius takes a large breath and Remus' head moves with his back as it swells and falls with the sigh that is released.

When Sirius speaks again, his voice is barely above a whisper – Remus senses the words more than hears them. "And part of me thinks that he did that in retaliation for the prank. I just…I couldn't live with myself." Remus stiffens but doesn't move his hand or his head, just grips onto Sirius' shirt with long, bent fingers. Remus hadn't honestly thought of that before, and he's not sure why because it really does seem like the best explanation.

The words that he speaks are forced. "If that's why he did it, it's not your fault, Sirius. We all make our own choices." It's not the first time that Remus Lupin says something he doesn't particularly believe.

Remus decides to take a nap later in the day and he sleeps for about an hour before waking, groggy and slightly confused. He's in Sirius' bed – he knows that tonight he'll have to grow up and sleep in his own bed, but when his friend offered he didn't have it in him to refuse – and the curtains are drawn, making the bed mostly dark other than the small amount of sunshine filtering in through the holes that Sirius accidentally burnt in the curtains in second year. Remus moves to stretch and wipe the sleep from his eyes, but then he hears hushed voices. Privacy is more of an ideal than a true concept in the dormitories, but he decides to pretend to be asleep a little longer rather than infringe on a conversation. He tries not to listen, but the words seem to go directly from the speakers' mouths to his ears.

"I'm sorry Kia," Sirius says, hurriedly. "Something came up."

"I was waiting up there for over an hour, Sirius. You _told me_ that you'd be there."

"I was planning on it, I really was. But…I was need elsewhere."

"Somewhere so important that you couldn't tell me?" There is silence for a moment and Remus longs to peek out of one of the holes and see what it happening – but he is trying to ignore the conversation. "Oh. My. God." The words are more of a whisper than anything Kia has previously said. Remus can imagine her squinting her eyes in that rather unattractive manner she has. "It was that Remus Lupin, wasn't it? I _knew it_. I knew you two were…_gay_. Every time you get drunk you just go on and on about him." Remus frowns and waits for Sirius to say something to defend his heterosexuality. But Sirius doesn't say anything. "Were you two fucking?" The last word sounds so vulgar to Remus – even though he's heard it more than enough times in his years of being friends with James, Sirius and Peter, the way that she says it makes it sound disturbing, vile. She spits the word and it makes Remus wince.

"No. He's not gay." Sirius says quietly. "We weren't doing anything."

"_He's _not gay?"

"That's what I said." Sirius doesn't sound apologetic, just like he wants to get the conversation over with as soon as possible.

"Are you kidding me?" Kia spits again. "You're a poofter?" Sirius doesn't say anything for a moment and Remus feels like he's heard more than enough. He lets out a loud and exaggerated yawn to warn them that he's woken.

"Shit, he's awake." Sirius' whisper is urgent and quieter than before. "You've gotta go."

"We're not done talking about this, Sirius." Remus doesn't hear what Sirius says to her before the door shuts – she is presumably outside of it. There are soft footsteps over to Sirius' bed and the curtains are pulled open.

Sirius grins warily down at Remus. "How much did you hear?"

"Er…I woke up around the bit where you were discussing your absence last night." Remus says carefully as he rises, extricating himself from the bedding.

"So you heard…?"

"Yes," Remus nods, stretching and cracking his back. "I won't tell. I promise." Sirius winces and shuffles his feet, shoves his hands deep into his pockets.

"This isn't how I meant for you to find out, Moony."

"It's okay. It doesn't change anything." Although in the back of his mind, Remus was wondering if it did.


	3. If You Want to Survive

Title: If You Want to Survive  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Words: ~2,900  
>Warnings: References to past sexual abuse<br>Summary: Remus is deals with no small amount of stress over the repercussions of Friday night and is still trying to decipher what Sirius' actions mean.  
>Disclaimer: None of the characters in the story (other than Kia) belong to me. No profit of any sort is being made off of this.<br>A/N: Thank you so much to all of you who read Chapter Two. I hope you enjoy this one, too!  
>AN2: Sorry about the lack of systematic updates. I'm horrible for just putting the story out there when I'm in to mood. When I started publishing this one, I had intended to put up one chapter every five days or so. But...no. It has to be this way.

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><p><em>Sweetheart,<em>

_How are you doing? I hope the last full moon wasn't too hard for you. I was up all night worrying about you and hoping you wouldn't hurt yourself too bad. Poppy owled me the other day and told me to ask you about the night after – she didn't state any specifics, but she seemed worried. What happened, honey? She's got me pacing with nerves. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Your father has been working harder than usual recently and I think he is concerned about you, too. I'm sure he is, Remus._

_Are you studying for your NEWTs? I know it's only November, but it's never too soon to prepare for your future. I know it's not fair but you're going to have to rely a lot more on your smarts than most people will – you've got to give yourself an edge._

_I hope you'll come home for Christmas this year. Your aunt Ida is coming to visit and she'd love to see you. But I understand if you want to stay at the school with your friends. I know you said Sirius is living with James now, but please let him know that he's more than welcome to come over for a bit if he'd like a change of scenery. _

_I should go know, there's a lot to do here. I love you and miss you more every day._

_Love,_

_Mum_

_P.S. Enjoy the cookies!_

Remus folds the letter and holds in it his lap. He had been in the common room, sitting with Lily in front of the fire, when Zian, his owl, flew through a window, presumably let in by someone else, with a letter from his mother. Remus runs his hands over the parchment and glares at the tin of cookies on the table in front of him. He sighs and flicks his eyes up to the dying fire. He feels the sofa dip as Lily adjusts her position, tucking her feet under the cushion upon which he is seated. She is reading her Arithmancy textbook while they wait for Sirius and James to return form detention. She lets out an exaggerated sigh and closes her book with a loud thump. "When do you think they'll be back?" she asks, more to start a conversation than in search of a specific answer. Remus squints at her, hating himself for keeping secrets from her. He can't bring himself to burden her with the events of Friday night, and he knows that she senses it and is becoming frustrated with the growing distance between them.

"Not sure," he says, lifting his hips to push the letter into his pocket. "Filch'll keep them as late as he can, that's for sure." Peter is out with a girl and Remus isn't sure who it is that he's waiting up for but Lily reopens her book when she senses that Remus has nothing more to say. Without anything to keep his mind from it, Remus leans forward and takes a cookie from the tin, biting into the soft chocolate of it before pulling the letter from his pocket and unfolding the parchment to re-read it. His eyes rake over the words that are scrawled in his mother's neat, tiny handwriting and even though he doesn't want to read the letter anymore, he really doesn't want to go to bed yet, either. His stomach turns at the thought of replying to it, he isn't sure how much he can keep from her and still feel like he's telling the truth. He feels a burning sense of anger towards Madam Pomfrey for saying anything to his mum at all – she doesn't need the extra stress – but the truth is, he had known that the woman was going to tell her from the beginning. Remus isn't sure how much Madam Pomfrey really said to his mother, and he doesn't want to lie to her anyways. He can lie about many things to most people, but not his mum. Never his mum.

It feels like he's only just started composing his letter to his mum in his head when Remus is awoken by a rather loud and boisterous pair of raven haired boys elbowing each other as they tumble through the portrait hole, a tangle of limbs and robes that smell distinctly of stale water. Remus blinks the sleep from his eyes and shakes Lily awake before bending to grab the letter from where it has fallen to the floor and ram it quickly in his pocket. He isn't sure why, but he doesn't want Sirius or James to see it. A small, irritating voice in the very back of his mind tells him that it's because he knows they would both think he should tell his mum about what happened, but he ignores this voice and turns instead to the boys who are dusting off their robes as they make their way over. James bends to kiss Lily and Remus and Sirius watch each other awkwardly until the pair is done. "What did Filch make you do?" Lily asks with a grimace as she pulls her feet out from under Remus. "You two smell _awful_."

Sirius shrugs his robes off and drops them to the floor before falling on the sofa, filling the spot that Lily's legs have only just vacated. He drapes an arm around Remus' shoulder and Remus tries not to think anything of it. "Myrtle blasted the pipes again. We had to clean her bathroom : no magic."

James nods and groans. "We're of age, it shouldn't be up to him-"

Lily interrupts James' tirade with a tight smile. "You would think that Head Boy wouldn't get quite so many detentions, wouldn't you?"

James shrugs, setting himself on the arm of the couch and leaning into Lily. "What can I say? Not everyone found it as easy to believe I was a changed man as you did. And they still want to blame me for crimes of which I am utterly innocent. _Utterly_."

Lily snorts and rises from the couch so quickly that James falls a little and has to catch himself. "I might have believed you if you hadn't added that second 'utterly'. I'm going to bed now – goodnight, all." And she walks away without waiting for James' reply.

"Well, I'm going to bed, too," James says before stalking off sulkily towards the boy's dormitory.

Sirius looks sideways at Remus and grins cheekily, although the smile is missing some of its usual edge. "What are we going to do with our stolen time?"

"Aren't you tired after cleaning up all that mess?" Remus asks, although he's not sure if Sirius understands him, because it all comes out with a yawn. Remus doesn't bother covering his mouth because Sirius is busy adjusting his trousers.

"I guess I am, a little, yeah. But I never get to spend time with just you, Moony." He grins and slithers to the floor where he promptly situates himself between Remus' legs, elbowing the boy's calves gently so that there is enough space for him. "Want to give me a massage?" He shakes his head in what he clearly intends to be an enticing gesture. "Only, I'm awfully sore from all of that mopping."

Remus cracks his knuckles but doesn't touch Sirius' shoulders. "What are you going to do for me in return?" he asks, teasing Sirius' nape with his nimble fingers.

"Anything you want. Come on, Moony, please?" He turns his head to stare, pleading, over his shoulder at Remus. "Please?"

"Will you…write my potions essay that's due next week?" He kneads gently at the heated flesh without waiting for an answer. Sirius groans at Remus' ministrations and nods his head. Remus presses harder into the knots of muscle and begins to work at massaging away Sirius' aches. As he's working the flesh beneath his fingers, he focuses on where the muscle is tightest – needs the most attention – easing the knots away, without causing Sirius too much pain. Someone who didn't know Remus might think that Sirius was being selfish, asking Remus for a massage when Remus was so worried about so many things. But in reality, performing the simple massage takes Remus' mind off of himself and lets him focus on something other than Severus and what has been done to him. It's the most relaxed he's felt all weekend.

"My mum wrote me," he says suddenly, unsure of why he's confiding in Sirius when only moments before he tried to conceal the letter from him.

"Mmm," Sirius says, his voice languid in his relaxed state. "What'd she say?"

"Said she was worried about me at the full. And asked for me to come home for Christmas. She invited you over, too. If you want." He shrugs his shoulders even though Sirius can't see him. "You don't have to, though. Just an invite."

"I know," Sirius says, sitting forward a little so that he can crane his neck and look at Remus. "Did she say anything about…?"

"She said Madam Pomfrey told her that something happened. She wants me to talk to her about it." He scratches the back of his own neck before pinching the bridge of his nose. "I want to tell her, but I don't really know how to say it, not in a letter. And I don't know what to tell her. How much."

"Well, I think you should-" But Remus never gets to find out what it is that Sirius thinks, because at that point, Peter bursts through the portrait hole, breathing heavily.

"Remus, Professor Dumbledore wants to see you. Straight away."

"Mr. Lupin, please, take a seat." Professor Dumbledore gestures to one of the chairs sitting in front of his desk, which he is currently seated behind. The man looks remarkably tired and Remus wonders why it is that he has bothered to call him for a conversation so late in the evening, but he nods carefully and sits obediently in the more comfortable looking chair. He watches Professor Dumbledore, unsure of what he should say. Fawkes, his phoenix, is sitting quietly on his perch behind the man and Remus can tell the bird has only just been reborn recently – he is not yet up to the great size that he was when Remus first met him, at the age of 11.

"Sir…did you want something?" Remus isn't sure how to instigate the conversation without sounding rude.

Dumbledore clears his throat and runs his hand over his beard. "Madam Pomfrey gave me some…disturbing news when I returned to the castle tonight." Remus swallows but stares, trying not to let his face betray the dread currently fluttering in his throat. "Something about you."

"Oh?" Remus manages to croak, fingers pressing into the fabric of his corduroys.

"Yes, and she asked me to speak with you about it. She said that you refused to tell her anything." Remus blinks fiercely and glances around the room, desperate for something to take his mind away from the Hell Dumbledore has brought him to. He focuses on Fawkes who is preening his red wings, so oblivious to and free from the conversation taking place right in front of him. "Would you like to tell me what happened on Friday night, Remus?"

"I…" Remus looks urgently out the window, hoping that something will save him from the humiliation of telling his headmaster about how weak he was. He wipes aggressively at his face and is angry to feel the wetness of tears there – he promised himself on Saturday that he wasn't going to give Severus the benefit of tears, even if Severus would never know either way. "I would rather not."

"I was informed that you suffered injuries that are most often related to ra-"

"Please don't say it," Remus whispers, voice catching in his throat. He finally looks at Dumbledore and is horrified to see the man staring almost into him. He flicks his eyes away, unable to continue keeping eye contact with him. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Remus, if there is someone in my school who has committed such a crime –"

"I don't know who it was!" Remus says suddenly, angrily, sticking to lie that he, James, Peter and Sirius had all agreed to. There was no way that they could implicate Severus without revealing the map and even though the other boys had been willing to lose the map just to see Severus punished, Remus had denied them. The entire situation is painful enough without his Professors knowing who it is that has done such a thing to him. He rises quickly from the chair. "I don't know who did it, because they were disguised as someone else."

"Who?" Dumbledore asks quietly, choosing not to comment on Remus' uncharacteristic outburst. "Who were they disguised as?"

Remus' face crumples as the images from Friday night flash back in a way he has not allowed himself to remember them yet. He covers his tears with his hands but cannot hide the gasping from his Professor. He drops to sit on the chair but misses it and falls painfully to the stone floor, letting his feet fall out from beneath him. "I don't want to talk about it," he cries piteously and he hates himself for letting anyone see him in such a mess. Remus Lupin has always prided himself on being a strong person, and it has been a long time since anyone has watched him cry so unabashedly. Dumbledore doesn't say anything for what feels like at least half an hour until Remus has wept himself dry. The boy wipes his face with his sleeve and sniffs a few times before rising to situate himself in the chair once more. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice hoarse. "But I just…don't want to remember."

The old man rests his chin carefully upon his clasped hands and looks at Remus, studying him thoughtfully. "I cannot force you to discuss something with me if you don't wish to. But I implore you to find someone with whom you _can _discuss this, because Remus…just by not thinking about it, you will not make this go away. And it is going to eat at you until you handle it in a healthy manner." He sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. "I think that is all for now," the man says, politely giving Remus his leave to exit the office. "I will ensure that you are not stopped on your way back to the common room. Have a good night, Remus."

Remus nods, even though both of them know that he won't have a good night now. He is numb as he makes his slow way back to the Fat Lady's portrait, his mind blank as he climbs the stairs to his dormitory and pushes open the door. He is so unfocused, he doesn't notice that Sirius is sitting up in bed, watching him quietly as he undresses and slides under his covers in his shorts. And so he is startled when Sirius' quiet whisper travels across the small space between their beds. "What did he want?" he asks, even though he knows full well what Dumbledore wanted.

"What do you think he wanted, Sirius?" Remus mumbles, trying to get comfortable against his pillow; it feels stiff and awkward underneath of his head, which is starting to ache from the earlier bout of crying.

"What did you tell him?" Sirius murmurs, still more quietly.

"Nothing. I…Nothing. He told me that I should find someone to talk to about it." Remus can see the outline of Sirius' hair moving as he nods his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks, rising from his bed and making his way over to Remus'. Remus looks up at his friend, unsure of what his answer will be and a great, unwelcome and all too familiar sense of dread fills him. During the day, he can see Sirius' eyes and his smile and smell him and he knows that the boy brushing against him or gripping his shoulder or begging for a massage is not the same boy who hurt him. But in the nighttime, it is dark and the form lingering over him while he lies bedraggled and broken in his bed is so much like the one that broke him in the first place.

"No, Sirius," he says, forcing a calm that he doesn't feel. "Just go to bed. I don't need to talk about it."

"Are you sure?" A hand reaches to brush his face in a friendly gesture, but Remus shies away from it and Sirius snaps his hand back, quickly aware of his friend's discomfiture. "Shit, I'm sorry. _Lumos_," he murmurs, lighting his wand so that Remus can see his face, because even though Remus never said anything about needing to see his face, Sirius just seems to know. He always just seems to know. "Better?" Remus nods and moves over so that Sirius can sit on the edge of his mattress. With Sirius so close, he can smell the musk of the boy and feels himself drowning in the safety that comes with it. He closes his eyes and settles against his pillow. He is almost asleep when he feels Sirius lie down next to him, body close and warm against his own, knees bumping into knees, hot breath on his face. "Want to talk about it now?"

"I'm sleeping, Sirius." He really does fall asleep, but not before he feels a strong arm falling over his chest.


	4. Open My Eyes, See That It's You

Title: Open My Eyes, See That It's You  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Words: ~4,000  
>Warnings: References to rape, slight hints at societally induced homophobia<br>Summary: Remus faces his first days back in class since Friday night and Sirius does what he can to provide some semblance of assistance.  
>Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, all of this is JKR's and I'm just borrowing it. No profit is being made off of this.<p>

* * *

><p>When Remus wakes in the morning, his is the only body taking up space in his small four poster bed. He rolls over and wipes at his face before looking at the clock – it's still early and he could go back to sleep for a little longer if he wanted to, but now that he's awake, his nerves about the day ahead are coursing through his body with a crackling electricity and he believes that fighting for more sleep will be nothing if not fruitless. He forces himself out of the warm fortress of blankets and wraps his arms around his ribcage, pulling the fabric of his shirt tighter around him, wishing he had stopped to put on a pair of pyjama pants the night before. He pads to the small bathroom, running his hand over his face as he makes his way to there, deciding he needs a shave before breakfast. As he approaches the door, he registers that the light is on inside and there is steam billowing from above a small crack between where wall meets entrance. So lost was Remus in his thoughts about the day ahead that he did not notice one of him dorm mates was absent from their beds.<p>

He pushes the door open and steps into the mist filled room, sucking in a breath of hot, damp air as he does so. "Hullo?" he calls, wondering who it is that he is joining in the wee hours of the morning. He doesn't wait for an answer as he digs around for his razor and shaving cream, swipes at the mirror with his hand so that he can see some of his reflection while shaving. The shower turns off with the squeak of old taps and Remus can hear someone rustling around, drying off. He rubs some of the shaving cream over his face, tilting his chin up so that he can get the underside of his neck as well. In the mirror, he sees James reflection climbing out of the shower, towel tied around his waist.

"Morning, Moony. What are you doing up so early?"

Remus grins before tightening his lips once more to ensure he has covered enough of his face with the white foam. "What are _you _doing up so early, James?" he asks before swiping at his face with the razor. He doesn't want to answer James' question, doesn't want to talk about nerves or shaking hands or inextricable feelings of terror that a 17 year old shouldn't be experiencing. James shrugs and pulls out his toothbrush, squeezing a thick blob of paste onto it.

"Woke up early, couldn't get back to sleep." Remus sees his friends eyes flick over to him in the mirror and James opens his mouth as if to say something, sucks in a small gasp of breath. But he doesn't say anything, just jams his toothbrush into his mouth and begins scrubbing his teeth. Remus tries not to watch as his friend bends to spit in the sink, but he is curious about what the boy is keeping from him. He turns on the tap and rinses some of the foam from his razor blade.

"What were you going to say?" he asks, scraping the underside of his chin in one deft stroke.

"Nothing. It's just…nothing." James sounds slightly dejected and Remus frowns, resting his razor against the side of the sink.

"Is something wrong, James?"

James is rinsing off his toothbrush, tapping it on the edge of the porcelain surface. "It just that…Remus, can I ask you something personal?" Remus narrows his eyes, unsure, but nods. "Why was Sirius in your bed this morning?" Remus blinks and swallows. His hand shakes on the sink and his fingers flex, dropping the razor into the basin with a clatter.

"Sorry, what?" he asks, not sure why it matters to James, or why James' asking matters to him.

"Nevermind," James says, gripping his towel on his hip. "It doesn't matter anyways." And with that he leaves the bathroom, still holding his toothbrush. Remus finishes shaving quickly and wipes his face off with a towel before brushing his teeth. He decides he'll take a shower later and heads back to the dormitory to find sunlight filtering through the windows already, James gone and Sirius beginning to stir in his own bed. Remus wants to dress quickly but his fingers are still shaking as he tries to do the buttons on his dress shirt and he swears quietly with frustration, falling onto his bed. He's been doing this for seven years, he can button a bloody shirt.

"Need some help with that?" Sirius' voice is hoarse with what sounds like sleep, but Remus knows that he can't have been asleep in his own bed for long. Remus shakes his head, doesn't trust himself to speak. He is too stunned by the offer to do anything but drop his hands to his sides when Sirius comes over, not waiting for a verbal answer before beginning to fumble with the buttons of Remus' shirt. He struggles through the first two before glancing up to grin sheepishly at Remus. "Different, doing up another bloke's shirt." Remus nods and gently pushes Sirius' hands away.

"I think I'll be alright now, Padfoot. Thank you." The last two words are sincere, but almost silent, because while Remus really does appreciate the help from his best mate, he is loath to acknowledge how petrified he truly is, or the effect his constant and unshakable humiliation is having on him. Sirius dresses quickly and he and Remus head down to breakfast, not stopping to wait for Peter, who has fallen back to sleep.

James is at the table, arm draped over Lily as he eats the last of his toast and Remus is grateful that at least _something _is normal about today. He and Sirius sit across from the other two and begin filling their own plates with breakfast food, Remus feels too sick to eat but takes some toast because he's scared that Lily is starting to get suspicious. "We were just discussing what Professor Slughorn will have us do in class today," Lily says, more to Remus than to Sirius because she still isn't overly fond of the latter. James rolls his eyes a little and Remus offers him a sympathetic smile. "He's been mentioning Amortentia a lot lately," Lily says with a fiendish glint in her eye.

Remus doesn't say anything as James starts to tell Lily why love potions are useless bunk, because now he's thinking about potions, which of course they've got with Slytherin, and his toast suddenly feels like crushed saw dust in his too wet mouth. He feels an overwhelming itch just under his skin and scratches at his nose absently, feeling a hot sense of shame suffuse him. He hopes that he isn't blushing, but his face feels hot beneath his cool fingers. "Morning, Pete," James calls, effectively derailing Remus' train of thought as their blonde haired friend sits down. Peter nods as Remus pushes his plate away from himself.

"'m not hungry," Remus declares, rising from the table. "I'll see you in class." And before he knows it, he's making his way from the Great Hall, following his feet blindly and leaving his friends confused staring quietly at his back. Remus finds himself in the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet with hands grappling on the slippery surface, disgusted that his knees are on the filthy floor and his thighs are pressing against the cool porcelain of the underside of the toilet, and who knows what's down there? His bag is next to him, spilling quills and parchment onto the floor and he doubles over the toilet, gagging on the absence in his stomach, wishing he had eaten more at breakfast so that he could be properly sick. His shaking fingers fumble for the lever and he presses down to flush the water away even though there's nothing in it. Wiping sweat from his forehead he leans back against the wall of the small cubicle and hears the resounding thump of his head landing on the hard surface. He shakes his head, mortified. Remus was sure that he could handle this, he was sure that he was fine. But as he pulls his feet out from under him, feeling the stirrings of a foot cramp, he realizes he's not so sure anymore.

Someone comes into the loo and walks over to the sink, turns on the tap and splashes the water around for a moment. Remus holds his breath and wonders if they'll notice a boy crouched on the floor. "Thought I might find you in here," the person says. And it's a voice that's almost familiar, that almost speaks of safety, but it's not exactly that. He recognizes Regulus' voice but doesn't respond. "I know what happened to you, Remus."

"You don't know anything," Remus chokes, because he can't know. Nobody should know.

"Yes, I do. And I bet you want to know _why_." His voice doesn't sound spiteful or cruel as Remus might expect, it's just flat. There's no hatred, but there's no caring there either. Remus finds himself drawn to the emptiness.

"Why?" he whispers, pulling his knees up.

"I can't tell you here. But meet me in the Astronomy tower tonight."

"How can I trust you?" Remus asks carefully. _How can I trust anyone?_

"You'll just have to, won't you?" And Regulus doesn't wait for a response, doesn't give him a time, just turns off the tap and leaves the bathroom. Leaves Remus. Remus sits still for a moment but decides he'll have to go to class – he misses enough because of the full moon as it is. He pushes his things back into his bag and forces himself to rise from the floor, brushes his trousers and robes off and pulls the lock to open the cubicle door.

"Sirius," he says upon opening it. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Must've been lost in your own thoughts." Sirius holds out a hand to take Remus' bag but Remus ignores him and shoulders it, moving to wash his hands quickly. "What was Regulus doing in here?" he asks quietly, standing next to Remus, so close that Remus can smell the doggishness of him. "What he bothering you?"

Remus shakes his head, a lock of hair falling in front of his eyes. He pushes it out of the way with his wet hands before wiping them on his trousers. "He wants to tell me something, I think." They leave the loo and begin their journey to the potions classroom, Remus guesses that James and Peter are already there. "He asked me to meet him at the Astronomy tower tonight."

"What?" Sirius sounds worried, anxious. "You're not going, are you?" Remus doesn't reply, just bites his lip. "Remus, you can't be thinking of going. What if it's another…_sick _joke of theirs?"

At the thought, Remus insides churn nauseatingly, he wishes he hadn't left the bathroom so hastily. "Sirius, he said he could tell me why."

Sirius glares at Remus. "You can't go," he states stubbornly.

"I've got to." Remus sighs when Sirius refuses to relent. "I've got to know why, Sirius." The werewolf runs a hand through his hair as they round the corner to their classroom.

"Fine." Sirius lets out a snort of anger. "But I'm coming with you."

Remus is glad, for once, that's he's paired with Peter for potions. Lily is with Severus and they are at the table next to his. He feels a burning flush of emotion painting his cheeks when the Slytherin looks at him, tries to make eye contact with him, but Peter is even worse at potions than Remus and their combined inaptitude means they have to focus in order to be able to even attempt to get the potion right. On their other side, James and Sirius keep shooting covert looks, first at Remus and then at Severus. Remus appreciates that they don't say anything all class, he appreciates that they stay quiet until the end when Sirius is going to hand in a vial of their completed potion and he _accidentally _elbows Severus in the rib cage. Surprisingly, Severus doesn't say anything. He just emits a quiet grunt of pain and continues walking as though nothing has really happened.

His next block is a spare and Remus goes back to Gryffindor tower while Sirius and James go to practice for Quidditch (even though they really don't need to) and Peter is off doing something else. Remus finds himself lying on one of the couches in the common room, hands resting on his stomach as he stares despondently into the fire. When Regulus had first told him to meet him in the Astronomy tower, Remus had been scared, but his longing to know why he was treated so terribly outweighed his fear. Now though, after Sirius insisted that he not go, Remus is starting to reconsider. Would Sirius not know his brother better than anyone else? Was Sirius' fear not reason enough for Remus not to go? Remus closes his eyes and groans, wondering why it is that something like this had to happen to him. Remus is not generally given to self-pity, however, in times such as these ones, it feels to him that self-pity is practically unavoidable.

"Remus?" Lily's quiet voice interrupts him and he opens his eyes to see her crouching in front of him, perching herself on the coffee table. He doesn't say anything to her, but she knows that he is listening. "Did I do something wrong?" she asks nervously. "Only you haven't been talking to me since Friday night and I can't figure out why."

"I've been talking to you," he says quietly. He hates this. He hates that he can't talk to Lily because he's too embarrassed she'll find out how weak he is and then she'll hate him for the rest of his life. And he's sure that if James has to pick Lily or him, James is going to pick Lily. Because who wouldn't choose the beautiful, kind, sweet red-head over the scarred and used werewolf? Remus doesn't want to lose two friends in one.

"Yes, but not like normal. I feel as though you're keeping something from me," she says. She reaches out to take his hand and he doesn't flinch but she feels him stiffen under his touch. "Are you upset with me?" she begs him to answer, pulling her hand away and not bothering to try to conceal the hurt in her face.

He shakes his head sadly and closes his eyes because he can't bear to see what he's doing to her. "No, I'm not. Lily, I'm not upset with you at all." He clenches the fabric of his jumper between his fingers, hears her shift her position.

"You know you can talk to me, right, Remus?"

"Of course," he says stiffly.

"Right then," her voice has gone flat and a little cold. "Well, just let me know when you're done keeping secrets from me, won't you?" Remus hears her walk away and he groans inwardly, pinching the bridge of his noise when he feels prickling at the back of his eyes. It isn't fair. First he lost his virginity to Severus against his will, and now James is keeping secrets from him and Lily doesn't trust him and it just isn't fair because his life was already fucked up enough before Friday night. He slams his fist angrily into the padding of the cushion behind his head and lets out a muffled sob before falling off of the couch to rush upstairs.

When he finds himself standing in the middle of the dormitory at a loss for what to do, Remus decides to take a shower and skip lunch – he's not hungry anyways. He goes into the bathroom and turns on the water, sticking his hand under the spray for second before stepping back to undress. Remus still isn't completely comfortable with his body yet – he was a late bloomer and his late puberty combined with the overabundant scars crisscrossing his skin makes him wary of looking at himself when he's undressed. He closes his eyes and steps under the warm deluge of water, placing one of his hands on the cool stone tiles to support himself. He uses the other hand to reach back and take the tie out of his hair, dropping it lamely to the floor. His shampoo smells like coconut when he squeezes it into his palm and massages it into his hair. The problem with sham, Remus thinks as he rinses the suds from his scalp, is that it never leaves you. There is no way to wash it off or cleanse yourself of it. It latches on to and makes itself a sickening part of you.

Remus tilts his head back and opens his mouth to admit some of the spray. His time is running out and he doesn't want to be late for History of Magic, so he reluctantly turns off the water and steps out, dries off quickly before fastening the towel around his waist and leaving the bathroom. "Sirius!" he yelps upon opening the door and finding said boy sitting cross legged on his bed. "Why aren't you at lunch?" He turns his back on his friend to grab a pair of pants and yank them on quickly.

"I noticed you didn't eat much at breakfast, and then you weren't at lunch." He neglects to mention the throwing up after breakfast, and for that, Remus is grateful.

"I'm not hungry," Remus says, deciding which socks to wear.

"I thought you might say that. But you really should eat something, Moony. I brought you some bread. Will you at least eat some of it?" Remus turns to look at Sirius while he's pulling on his socks and sees that the boy is holding out a stack of buttered bread, eyes plaintively begging Remus to take some. To keep Sirius from pestering him further, Remus takes a slice from the top. "See, that's not so bad. Is it?" Sirius asks, and Remus is sure that he does so while Remus is chewing so that he is unable to respond.

Remus swallows down the single piece of bread before continuing to dress. "Are you okay Remus?" Sirius asks quietly. When Remus looks up from doing his zipper, an eyebrow raise, Sirius sighs. "I mean, I know you're not okay,but…Nevermind. We need to talk about what we're doing tonight. And when we're going."

Remus picks at one of the patches on his trousers and glances around the room. "I don't know when. As for the how….I thought we could nick the cloak."

"You don't know _when_?"

"No. I told you that he didn't say what time."

"Shit…well, I guess we're just going to have to check the map every so often. I'll bet the prick expects you to stand around waiting for him all night." He glares silently out the window for a beat and Remus knows that his best friend's mind is far away. Then Sirius blinks himself back to the present. "I was thinking I could go as Padfoot. Regulus doesn't know."

Remus grimaces. "And what am I supposed to say? '_Oh, yeah, I just picked up this massive stray dog in the Gryffindor common room!'_?" Sirius opens his mouth but Remus cuts him off. "No, Sirius. We need to cloak."

Sirius crosses his arms, but there is a flicker in his eyes that tells Remus he has won the argument already. "Fine, but we'll have to ask James. Last time I took the cloak with asking for it, he went bloody spare." Remus nods his assent.

With James' permission, Remus and Sirius have taken the Invisibility cloak and map to the library where they are watching closely for any movement under the guise of study for their Transfiguration exam. It isn't late when they see Regulus' footsteps leave the Slytherin common room, but just as he's wiping the map, Remus sees that Lucius and Bellatrix are following the youngest Black at a distance. He shows Sirius who pulls a face. "I don't know if we should go," he says quietly, which shocks Remus. Sirius Black is never one to back down.

When Remus shrugs his shoulders, Sirius can read through the feigned indifference but doesn't say anything. "Nothing short of Severus' presence could keep me away tonight," Remus mutters, buttoning his cardigan before throwing the cloak over Sirius and checking to make sure he can't see any of the boy. "Let's go." Remus is breathing heavily as they walk the short distance to the tower, and Sirius can't help but wonder if his friend is having second thoughts.

"We can turn around," he offers in a near silent whisper. "No body's going to think any less of you if you don't go. No one will know."

"I don't want to," Remus hisses through the corner of his mouth and soon they are scaling the stairs to the Astronomy tower, Sirius careful not to trip on the overlong edges of the invisibility cloak. When they reach the top of the stairs, both of them are surprised to find Regulus alone, staring out over the turrets. He hears Remus' careful steps and turns quickly.

"I only just got here," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "Good timing."

"Grand," Remus mutters, glancing around for any signs of the other two Slytherins. Regulus either doesn't notice the flatness of Remus' voice, or he doesn't care.

"I think I might have been followed, so we don't have long. But you want to know why Severus raped you?"

Remus feels an unnatural amount of saliva fill his mouth as the words spill carelessly out of Regulus' mouth. This boy is the first one to say it, to give the events of Friday night their proper name and suddenly Remus feels like everything is so much worse than it was mere seconds ago. He clutches at his stomach as it rolls and groans, leaning back against the cold, stone wall to keep from toppling. He glares at Regulus and nods curtly. "Yes."

"It was an initiation," Regulus says calmly.

"An initiation?" Remus balks.

"Yes," Regulus says, scratching at his wrist. "Into the Dark Lord's circle." Remus swallows thickly and frowns. "He was to…deflower the werewolf, as it were." Regulus says it with such a carelessness, as though Remus isn't a human who will feel the pain of having something so important stolen from him. Then, Remus thinks, perhaps that is how Regulus feels. There is an angry blush spreading across Remus' chest, he can feel the heat underneath of his sweaters and he can hear Sirius' angry breaths coming from somewhere close to his right ear. He is surprised that Sirius has managed to stay hidden for this long. For a length of time, Remus stares at a chip in the stone and Regulus stares at Remus. Finally, Remus manages to find his voice, though it is shaking with emotion.

"And my wand? Why did he take my wand?"

"Oh, that was just a prank. He had planned to give it back eventually."

Remus laughs humorlessly. "Oh, of course. I can't believe I didn't think of that one myself. Just a _harmless _prank." Regulus nods sharply and it takes another moment for Remus to regain enough composure to ask his next question. "But why are you telling me?" he finally says.

Regulus opens his mouth to respond but there is a sudden movement behind Remus and the invisibility cloak is lifted from Sirius' head. Remus spins to see why Sirius has chosen now, of all moments, to reveal himself and is instead greeted with Bellatrix's rude smile and Lucius' hand, grasping the silvery fabric of the cloak. "Boys," Bellatrix says slowly, "we've been expecting you."


	5. Tiny Spark

Title: Tiny Spark  
>Rating: R<br>Words: ~2,200  
>Pairing(s): RLSB, background JP/LE  
>Warnings: References to rape, swearing<br>Summary: Remus gets by with a little help from his friends.  
>Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, I make no claim to own them and am not making any profit, fiscal or otherwise, from the publication of this work.<p>

* * *

><p>Remus feels terror build in his throat, feels his stomach shake with the rest of his body and it's all he can do to stay standing where he is, not to bolt and save himself. He hopes that Bellatrix and Lucius can't see the tremors that he feels. Next to him, Sirius is wrestling the cloak from Lucius, imparting a few choice swear words upon their two new guests. Once he frees it from the Slytherin's grasp, Sirius turns to his brother, and Remus can tell from his expression that he isn't scared. Sirius is livid. "What the fuck, Regulus? You brought Remus here so that you sick bastards could get another go?" He reels back to punch his brother but Remus grips Sirius' elbow to stop him and Bellatrix interrupts Sirius' tirade.<p>

"It's nice to see you, too, cousin." She waltzes over and drapes an arm around Regulus who looks for all the world as though he, too, is trying not to be sick. "But don't blame little Reggie, here." She pinches his cheek and Regulus pulls a face, leans away from her. "He didn't know we were coming. We thought he might be up to something after his behaviour in the Great Hall this morning, so we followed him up here." She looks through Remus. "Good hunch." Remus shivers to know that Lucius is standing behind him, but he refuses to turn around again and give away his nervousness.

"What do you want?" Remus asks, voice tremulous; even in his attempt to sound wild, he comes off more as a hurt animal.

In one swift and sudden movement, Bellatrix rips her arm from around Regulus and strides forward to grip Remus' face in her long, cold fingers. She presses his lips together in a pathetic pantomime of a kiss and he can feel her skeletal phalanges pressing into the softness of his face, leaving marks of white on the hot pink of his flesh. Before Remus has the chance to tug his head away, Sirius has taken Bellatrix's wrist in his hand. "Let go of him!" he's saying, his voice angrier than Remus has ever heard it before, and he realizes that Sirius is the wild animal here – he's the one everybody should be afraid of. Bellatrix's fingers come away from his face, unwillingly and leaving thin scratches in her wake and it takes too much will power for Remus _not _to reach up and touch the barely bleeding wounds.

Remus sees a flash of anger in Bellatrix's eyes at being rebuked, but then it is replaced by the usual glint of something frightening and she leans back against the low wall, resting her elbows upon it and looking nonchalant in the darkness of the new moon. "I thought little Reggie might tell you what he had overheard." She sneers at Regulus who is looking lost and hopeless, standing - too afraid to bolt – very still. "But he didn't know the whole story. So I wanted to tell you the truth. The _real _truth."

"I think we've heard enough," Sirius says, grabbing onto Remus' sleeve and tugging at the boy. "Come on, Remus, let's go," he whispers to his friend. Remus knows that they should go, because nothing Bellatrix has to say will offer him any sort of comfort or closure. The hatred in her eyes tells him that all she wants to give him is poison, poison that will make him feel worse than he has in the last three days. But for some reason, he is rooted to the spot, unable to move of his own volition, and he rocks sharply as Sirius tugs on his sleeve.

"He wants to hear me out, Sirius. Don't be such a slag. Let your boyfriend make his own choices."

"He's not my boyfriend," Remus says quickly, and maybe – he thinks – he shouldn't have, because Sirius yanks his hand away as though he's been burnt with something too hot.

"Really?" Bellatrix asks quietly, her sneer growing. "Because I thought that if you fucked someone, they were your boyfriend?" There was that word again, making Remus feel vile and disgusting under the eyes of others. He rubs his forearm and doesn't reply to Bellatrix, tries to block out Lucius' quiet sniggering behind him. She glances over the edge of the wall, down towards the ground, and when she sighs loudly, Remus knows that she is getting bored. "He didn't want to do it, you know?" Remus turns his head. "See, we found out you were a werewolf because ickle Regulus let it slip last year. And then this year, dear old Severus wanted to join the Dark Lord's circle – but I don't just let anyone in. I told him that he had to complete an initiation, that everyone has to do it. And who better to use than you?" She smiles lasciviously and walks in a circle around Remus, Sirius reaches out to touch his friend. Bellatrix is close enough to touch, but she hasn't yet.

"See, I don't know if you're aware, or not, but up until last year, _Sevvie_ talked about you non-stop. I don't know if he had a little crush on you or if he was just jealous but he couldn't keep his bleeding mouth shut about you. Then, all of a sudden, last January, it was as though you had _died_." Regulus looks ill, he is clutching at his robes and his eyes are darting, looking everywhere but at the group of people in front of him. "_I _thought, what better to do than get him to fuck the boy he doesn't love anymore?" Remus' stomach clenches and his knees feel like they might buckle. He's going to fall, he knows it, he can see the ground swimming in his vision, but then Sirius' swift arm is underneath his armpits, supporting him. "So I made him do it. He didn't want to use the Polyjuice potion, he didn't want to do it at all. But I told him he _had to_. And so, he did." She exhales a vicious laugh in Remus' face and he gasps, trying not to breathe in the scent of her. "And I told him to bring back your wand as proof. You really shouldn't have one anyways, you know." She reaches out like she is going to touch him and Sirius is quick, using himself as a shield for Remus.

"I think we've heard more than enough," he says through gritted teeth, voice like venom to Remus' ears.

Bellatrix smiles and waves Lucius aside so that Remus and Sirius can pass. As they are readying themselves to go down the stairs, her voice stops Remus cold. "Just one more thing, werewolf." She waits until he turns to look at her reluctantly. "What was it like, having someone take all of that power from you? What did it feel like, being a fool under someone else's control?" Remus flushes red and pushes past Sirius to pound down the stairs. He doesn't stop running until he gets to the portrait hole, where he falls in a small pile to the floor. Sirius is just behind him and he, too, drops to the ground, panting and wrapping his arms around Remus.

He presses chaste kisses to the shaking boy's forehead and Remus wraps desperate arms around the limbs encircling him. The werewolf presses his face into his friend's chest and lets out a low, mournful sound. Sirius is at a loss for what to do, so he just keeps murmuring, "Forget her, Moony. Forget her."

Remus knows that he needs to write his mother back. It's been three days since he received her letter and if he waits much longer, she's going to start worrying (more than usual) and she might talk to Dumbledore. And that is the _last thing_ he needs right now. He's so distracted, thinking about what he's going to say to her, that Professor McGonagall asks him a question three times before James elbows him in the ribs – gently – and he snaps back to the present. He blinks at his professor, but instead of repeating her question, she moves on to another student. Remus thinks he's off the hook, but at the end of the class, she holds him back. "I don't want to be late for Defense, Professor," Remus says, watching his friends shuffle reluctantly out of the door.

"I don't think this will take long, Mr. Lupin. Close the door, if you please, Pettigrew." Peter shuts the door and Remus knows that his friends are going to start walking slowly to class, not wanting to leave him, but unable to linger. McGonagall crosses her arms over her chest, wand dangling from her fingertips, and marks Remus with a concerned stare. "You're having problems." It isn't a question but a statement and Remus falters slightly under the usually stern woman's kindness.

"Yes," he whispers, playing with a scrap of parchment, a note from Sirius, in his pocket.

"Would you like to talk about them?"

"No, thank you." He folds the paper in half, then in half again before McGonagall speaks again.

"Well, I don't know what it is that's bothering you, Mr. Lupin," she says, suddenly sounding more like her old self, "but you'll need to start focussing in class again."

"Of course, I'm sorry. I'll be…better by next day." He offers her a smile that he knows is too small and too pathetic on his face. But she takes it anyways and ushers him out the door.

"If you're late to class, just tell Professor Graves that I held you."

"Of course."

Remus hurries to his next class and makes it just before his professor starts the lesson. He sits down next to James who slides a note surreptitiously across the table. _What's eating at you?_ Remus smiles humourlessly – there's a lot that could be bothering him at the moment, a lot that James isn't privy to, and he doesn't intend to share it via scrap pieces of parchment scuffled silently behind a professor's turned back. He looks at James and shrugs his shoulders noncommittally. He turns the parchment over and next to an etching of Lily's name, writes _We'll talk about it at supper_. He has to hope that it is enough to appease James for the time being.

James doesn't hand him anymore notes, but half an hour into the class, when they are all reading page 374 of their textbooks, Peter prods him in the back and Remus feels another note dropped into the hood of his robes. He reaches back awkwardly and grabs it, smiling politely at Graves when the man walks by. He unfolds the note to find Sirius' and Peter's handwriting crammed into the small empty space above a horrible illustration of Prongs. _Are you okay? _Peter's ink blotted words ask. _Do you want me to beat Wormtail's head in?_ Sirius has scribbled hastily underneath. Remus doesn't turn around, but shakes his head obviously enough that he knows his friends will see it. After class, they walk to supper together and Remus hopes that James is focussing too hard on Lily's swaying hips to remember Remus' promise.

But when the four of them sit down at the table, James stares at Remus from under his ruffled fringe and corners him with a stern glare that is unnervingly like McGonagall's. "So, what did she say?"

Remus pokes at one of the potatoes on his plate and shrugs noncommittally. "She asked what was wrong. Said I wasn't focussing."

"Too true." James agrees. "Why aren't you focussing?"

"Bugger off, Prongs," Sirius says lightly. "If Remus doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to."

"Oh, so you two are keeping secrets from me and Pete now?" Remus frowns at the hurt way Peter hangs his head.

"No," Remus says. "No, we're not keeping secrets from you guys." He scratches the back of his neck and loosens his tie. "I just…I got a letter from my mum on Saturday night and I guess Madam Pomfrey told her something happened. I'm not sure how to answer the letter."

James smirks and spears one of Remus' potatoes, even though he has plenty of his own to eat. "Moony, Moony, Moony. Why didn't you say something before? This is going to be a breeze for four brilliant blokes like us." And even though James seems to be treating the situation with less tact and seriousness than one might find prudent, Remus feels a soothing sense of reassurance at his friend's cocky smile.


	6. Don't Lie to Me

Title: Don't Lie to Me  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Words: ~2,150  
>Pairing(s): RLSB, background LE/JP  
>Warnings: discussion of rape, angst<br>Summary: Remus gets a surprise from Sirius.  
>Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, I make no claim to own them and am not making any money off of them.<p>

* * *

><p>After dinner, the four Marauders are back in the common room and Sirius is quickly scratching out Remus' potions essay. It has always irked Remus, if only a small amount, that he has to study so very hard to even approach doing as well as Sirius and James. But then, regardless of what his mother has always said, Remus believes that a pureblood upbringing has its merits – James and Sirius always had tutors in their youth while Remus spent his childhood baking and gardening with his mother, learning to count with the assistance of blocks and petals. And while Remus would never trade his childhood for one of his friends', he is aware of the difference a strong foundation in subject matter can make.<p>

James is trying to talk Remus into writing his mother back, but he still isn't sure what to say. "I think you should just tell her that some git snuck upstairs and attacked you," James says, releasing his snitch so that he can catch it once more in nimble fingers.

Remus groans audibly. "She'll want to know why he went to all the trouble to attack me in my dormitory and why I don't know who it was."

Sirius looks up from the almost completed essay and Remus is still surprised that the boy held up his end of the bargain. "It's simple, Moony. Tell her they took Polyjuice potion. It's the truth, and it's a good cover. If you don't know who it was, how can you know why they did it? Right?" Remus nods belatedly and shrugs.

"I guess so. But you know how I feel about lying to my mum."

"You're going to have to man up one of these days, Moony." James pulls at his dress shirt. "Why don't you write her now?" Peter helpful produces a sheet of parchment and waves it under Remus' nose.

Remus snatches the parchment from his friend and gives him a pointed glare. "Fine, I will."

_Dear Mum,_

_Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but things have been rather busy this week. I'm not sure what Madam Pomfrey told you, but really: I'm fine. Someone must've taken Polyjuice potion, so they looked like Sirius. While he was out, they came up to the dormitories and attacked me. It wasn't too bad of a scuffle (honestly, I think they meant to get James or Sirius back for some stupid prank and I just got caught in the crossfire.) I'm completely healed by now so, please, don't worry about me anymore._

_The cookies were delicious, thank you. James and Sirius ate most of them while I was sleeping, but the ones I managed to eat were wonderful. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble to make them._

_I asked Sirius about Christmas, but he hasn't answered me one way or another. I think he really wants to spend Christmas at the Potters', he's just too scared of you to say no outright. But if he does, eventually, give me a definitive answer, I will let you know right away._

_I am studying for my NEWTs, I promise. James, Sirius and Peter keep trying to dissuade me from doing so, but I've managed to fend them off so far. _

_How are things on the farm? Professor Dumbledore has been talking to me about what I might do after school and I was wondering if you and father might be involved as well?_

_Your son,  
>Remus<em>

"There, I wrote it," Remus says, folding the parchment and stuffing it into an envelope before James can snatch it out of his hands to read it. "I'm going to go and mail it."

"Want me to come with you?" Peter offers, clearly hoping to be let in on some secret that the other boys won't know.

"No thank you, Wormtail. You can stay and play a round of exploding snap with Prongs." Peter has had the deck of card out for some time now and keeps glancing at it hopefully.

"I'll go with you!" Sirius shouts, rolling up the completed essay and tying it with a piece of ribbon. "I've just finished." Remus rolls his eyes – he knows that he'll do very well on that essay and it barely took Sirius an hour to write it.

"Alright, come on then, Padfoot. Let's go." Remus doesn't wait for his friend, but instead climbs out of the portrait hole, knowing that the other boy will follow at his own pace. Sirius catches up shortly, all cocky smiles and nonchalant airs. He bumps his shoulder into Remus'.

"What'd you say to her?" he asks, sounding for all the world as though he's talking about something that is no more important than the weather. But Remus cringes and shrugs his shoulders, staring ahead resolutely, even though he knows Sirius is trying desperately to make reassuring eye contact. "You don't want to tell me?" Remus doesn't answer because he does want to share with his best friend, but he can't tell Sirius. Because if he tells Sirius, someone else who knows the full truth will know exactly what is in the letter, and the lie becomes real. It won't be just him and his mother who know the words upon the parchment, someone else will know and Remus won't be able to convince himself that lying to his mother is a good thing. So he shrugs and remains silent and prays that his friend will mind his own business for once. "Well, did you at least tell her to expect me for Christmas? I eat rather a lot, you know."

Remus stops. "You never said…I thought you wanted to go to James'?"

"He's my best mate and all, but sometimes he drives me barmy. I need a break from our loveable, arrogant toe rag every now and then. Don't you?" Remus nods and grins as they scale the stairs to the owlery, making a mental note that he'll need to write his mother another letter.

After sending his owl off with the letter, Remus heads back to the dormitory with Sirius. They don't talk much as they maneuver their way through the halls, watching for students with whom Remus would rather not interact and suddenly shifting staircases. It isn't until they get to the portrait hole that Remus stops and turns to look at Sirius. "Mum will be glad you've decided to come and stay for the holidays. And…" For reasons of which he's unsure, Remus blushes and turns to look at the Fat Lady. "I'm really glad you're coming, too." His smile is the first genuine one that Sirius has seen in days, and it makes the prospect of telling James about his choice much less daunting.

* * *

><p>It's taken some time, but by the day that the four boys are boarding the Hogwarts' Express to go home for Christmas, James seems to have (mostly) forgiven Sirius and Remus. His feelings are still hurt, as is evidenced by his sullen frown, but the boys have promised to come to his house for New Year's and he is as satisfied as he's ever going to be.<p>

After lugging their trunks up onto the shelves above their heads, Remus and Sirius sit down on one side of the compartment while Lily and James fill the other. Peter is already searching the train for the witch with the trolley even as the train begins to move away from Hogsmeade. Remus yawns and leans his head against the compartment wall, pulling his foot up to rest his thigh against his stomach. The night before, the Marauders partied together with far more alcohol than usual, and all four boys are suffering from rather worse hangovers than they are accustomed to. Sirius reclines back against Remus' shin, stretches his legs out across the seats and groans about his headache.

Across the compartment, Lily is nattering on about Christmas shopping and how they should all meet up at Diagon Alley to do any last minute shopping together. Remus can tell that James isn't listening very closely because his eyelids keep fluttering shut as his head nods forward and he's grunting and humming in all of the wrong places.

Remus drapes an arm over Sirius shoulder and loosens his scarf, closing his eyes. The temperature in the compartment is comfortable and Lily's voice soon becomes white noise as Sirius' breaths come in more even gusts, his back moving up and down against Remus' bent leg. Before Peter returns, Remus dozes off as well. When he wakes again, the sky has already darkened outside the train and the stars are moving lazily across the windows. Sirius has made himself more comfortable against Remus in his sleep, limbs tangled around the werewolf's leg, head lolling back against his side, mouth gaping open and emitting loud snores (as well as no small amount of drool). Without thinking, Remus wraps the end of his sleeve over his fist and wipes the dribble off Sirius' chin.

"Aww…." Peter's obnoxious teasing reminds Remus that he is not alone in the compartment and he snaps his head up. James and Peter have been flipping absently through Quidditch Weekly. James is staring oddly at Remus, but Peter has already gone back to reading the article. Remus yawns and stretches (as much as he can with Sirius sleeping on him).

"Where's Lily?" he asks, voice and mind still slightly sleep addled.

"Went to spend some time with her mates," James says, shrugging his shoulders and looking back at the magazine. Remus shifts because his foot is asleep and Sirius grunts, tightening his grip on Remus' thigh and there's a fluttering heat in Remus' stomach. He frowns and runs a hand through his hair, brushing the too long tawny strands out of his line of sight. Remus isn't sure if the butterflies in his stomach are fear or happiness. He doesn't consider that they could be caused by both. He puts his hands under Sirius' head and lifts the boy gently so that he can move his legs, setting Sirius down to rest on his lap.

"How much time is left, do you think?" he asks.

"Just an hour, I think," James answers without looking up.

Remus picks some of the lint off of his sweater and wonders if – now that they're closer to home – James is mad at him again for asking Sirius to come over for the holidays. It's the first time his mom has offered, because previous to this year, they hadn't had a big enough space to have company for two weeks. But his family bought a new farm last year, and Remus knows that his mom was just trying to be welcoming to his friends – and Sirius is the one that Remus talks about the most. "I'm sorry," he offers quietly.

"What?" James says. At least he looks up this time.

"I'm sorry that I invited Sirius over for the holidays, I know you wanted him to stay with you."

James shrugs his shoulders. "I don't care. He lives with me all of the time." He cocks his head to the side and stares at Remus for a moment. "Really, you don't have to worry, Remus. I'm not upset anymore." Remus sees the sincerity in James' eyes, but rather than being reassured, he now finds himself concerned about the real reason his friend is upset with him. Sirius wakes just before they pull into the train station and stretches, yawning widely and almost smacking Remus in the face by accident. He offers the boy a lopsided grin in way of apology and it doesn't take long for them all to get their trunks and file off of the train. James is saying goodbye to Lily and then the four of them are exchanging farewells and Remus tries not to look embarrassed when his mother comes over to kiss his cheek. Soon they are driving home in his dad's pick up and his mom turns around, gripping the back of her seat to look at Sirius.

"We're so glad you decided to come for the holidays, Sirius." She is smiling brightly and prods her husband who nods without taking his eyes off of the road.

"Thank you for inviting me," Sirius says dutifully.

"Of course. I made some of those chocolate cookies that I sent Remus before, since you seemed to like them so much." She reaches out to brush her hand over her son's knees and grins once more before turning back to sit facing forwards in her seat. Sirius smiles and it's almost a bashful one, knocks Remus' knee with his own and looks out of the small window to watch the muggles driving by.


	7. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Title: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back  
>Rating: PG<br>Words: ~2,550  
>Pairing(s): Future RS  
>Warning(s): Angst<br>Summary: Remus and Sirius go to the Lupins' for the holidays and discuss gift ideas and pasts.  
>Disclaimer: None of the recognizable characters belong to me. They are all property of JKR and co. I make no claim to own them and am not making any profit from the publication of this story.<p>

* * *

><p>Mary Lupin watches as her husband shrinks the boys' trunks to take them upstairs and then turns, smiling broadly, to face Sirius. "I'm sorry, Sirius, but you'll have to share Remus' room with him while you're here. His aunt and uncle are coming to stay with us, and we've given them the guest room." She dips her head in a small, apologetic gesture. "I hope that's okay? I've asked John to fix up the cot so that it's something a little nicer." It always surprises Remus how easy it was for his mom to brush off her inability to perform magic – she never seems upset or slighted by it in the least.<p>

"Of course it's no problem, Mrs. Lupin," Sirius grins, ever the Romeo. "Remus and I sleep in the same dorm at Hogwarts anyways."

"Just don't keep us up all night with explosions," she says, and Remus can hear the teasing in her voice. His father comes back downstairs.

"I've just put them up there in the middle of the room. You'll have to sort them out and resize them, okay?" He doesn't wait for an answer before putting his coat and boots back on to go outside.

"Where's he going?" Sirius asks, watching the front door close behind the man.

"You'll have to excuse John," Mary says, a slightly pained smile crossing her face. "He didn't have time to drop the hay earlier today and he's been griping about since we left to pick you boys up. I don't know what his problem is; the cows will be fine waiting a bit." Sirius frowns slightly but nods. "Well, your aunt's coming tomorrow, so I've got to sort out a shopping list and do some laundry."

"We can do it, mum," Remus offers – it would take him ten minutes to clean the guest room, where as it will take his mother over an hour to finish everything she wants to do.

"It's okay, Remus. I don't mind. Besides, you boys are on holidays – you should enjoy them." She puts a palm to her son's cheek and strokes her thumb over a scar before dropping her hand to her side. "I left those cookies on the counter for you, if you've a mind to have some." She turns and walks into the living room, leaving Remus and Sirius in the entry way.

"Cows?" Sirius asks, turning to look inquisitively at Remus.

"Yeah," Remus says, pulling off his coat to hang it up, taking Sirius' from him. "My mum grew up on a farm and when her parents died, my father said he would take over the family cattle business."

"What did your dad do before?" Sirius asks, following Remus up the stairs to his bedroom. The walls are lined with pictures of a slowly aging boy, some of them are wizard photos that move and wave cheekily, others are clearly muggle – eerily still in their frames. The boy in the pictures grows and ages as they ascend the stairs, his face gradually becoming more scarred as his arms and legs are eventually obscured from the viewer's eye by long sleeves and trousers as opposed to shorts.

"Sirius?" Sirius snaps his attention away from the most recent photo of Remus – it looks like it was taken just before the beginning of the school year – in which he is wearing a long sleeved shirt and trousers, standing next to horse and smiling broadly into the camera. His hand occasionally sweeps over the horse's flank and every so often the animal flicks its long tail through the air, but otherwise they are both quite still. "Sirius, have you heard anything I've just said?" He is smiling patiently at his friend, a hand on a brass doorknob while he waits for Sirius to come back to him.

"Sorry mate. Didn't know you had a horse." Remus frowns and turns the doorknob, stepping through the door.

"Not anymore. We had to sell her in order to move here. We were just a little short on space. My parents said we might be able to get her back but…" he doesn't finish his sentence as Sirius joins him in the large bedroom. There are two beds on the far wall and bookshelves line most of the walls, trinkets sitting atop them. There aren't any light fixtures in the room, but two large windows let in a sufficient amount of natural light.

"Your bedroom's bloody massive." Sirius walks around the large space, stopping at a desk to rifle nosily through some papers.

Remus grins and shuts the door. "Yes, I was telling you about that when we were coming upstairs, but I don't think you heard me." He walks over to one of the bookshelves and pulls off a thick, leather bound book, flipping it open. "This used to be my grandparents' farm and my mum was an only child. This was actually a study, but my parents wanted to have a guest room for my dad's sister to stay in when she visited. So they converted the study into a bedroom for me. I quite enjoy it – it's actually larger than my parent's bedroom. But they thought I might like all of the books." He smiles down at the book before closing it and putting it back onto the shelf. "This used to be my favorite room to go to when we came and visited."

Sirius stops rifling through the papers on the desk. "How come you never mentioned your grandparents before?"

Remus stills in front of the bookshelf and turns slowly to face the window. It is difficult for Sirius to make out his friend's expression as the winter sunlight shines on his face, making the golden highlights of his hair shine against his skin. "After I was bitten, my grandparents didn't want much to do with us. They had enough trouble dealing with their daughter marrying a wizard. I don't know if they ever really believed it all." Remus rubs his hands over his arms and smiles shakily at Sirius, who is realizing with a shamed rush of hot guilt that he doesn't know his friend nearly as well as thought he did. "We should resize our trunks. Do you want some of those cookies?"

Sirius doesn't say anything for a moment, just stares at Remus for a beat, swallows thickly. "Cookies?" he finally asks.

"Yeah – I told my mom that you ate all of mine. I guess she figured you liked them, so she made you some more."

Sirius finds a small smile on his face as he reaches for his wand, pointing at their trunks and un-shrinking them. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

><p>Sirius and Remus come downstairs late in the morning the next day to find breakfast still on the table, if only a little cold from being out for some time. Remus puts the kettle on the stove and leans against the counter, scratching his shin with his heel. Sirius is stuck, suddenly, by how beautiful his friend looks, standing in the kitchen, dressed in his pyjama pants and cotton shirt, hair mussed from sleep and face covered in slight stubble. Remus cocks his head and smiles hesitantly, afraid of the thoughts that might be going through Sirius' head. "What?" he says, his voice loud in the silence of the kitchen.<p>

"What what?" Sirius asks in response, picking a sausage up with his fingers and eating it in one swallow.

"You were staring at me." Remus bends to fix the folded cuff of his pyjama bottoms and by the time he straightens once more, Sirius' has readjusted his face so that he doesn't look shocked anymore.

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"You were –" Remus sighs and shrugs his shoulders as Sirius takes another sausage from the table. "Whatever. Just…tell me if I have something on my face, okay? Do you want a plate?" Remus runs his hand over his face subconsciously before opening a cabinet to get Sirius a plate. He sets it on the table and picks up a piece of toast, takes a small bit out of it. Sirius glares at the plate and defiantly eats without it, watching as Remus pours himself some hot water to make tea. "Do you want some?" he asks, moving to get another mug.

"No, I'm good. Just water." Remus grabs a glass instead and fills it with water from the tap, sets it on the table gently.

"Unless you want to drink it straight from the tap," he says flatly and Sirius knows he's joking, but only because he's known him for so long. He lets out a quiet chuckle and shakes his head, draining the glass in one go.

"Thanks. Didn't know how thirsty I was." Remus refills the glass without being asked and takes another piece of toast. Sirius watches as Remus bites into the buttered bread carefully, chews methodically and swallows. "Remus, can I ask you something?"

"You just did," Remus tells him, fishing the tea bag out of his mug and dropping it into the sink with a splat. "But you can ask me something else, if you want."

"Shut up." Sirius picks up the plate and turns it in his hands, looks at the blue patterns painted around the edges. "Are you…are you eating? Only, I've noticed you've been eating less lately and I'm a little worried. For the last month, or so. And I know usually after the full –"

Sirius is rambling and he knows it, so he's grateful when Remus cuts him off. "I'm eating, Sirius. You must not have been paying attention to me at dinner lately. No, I'm just not particularly hungry today. My aunt Ida is coming, you know. She makes me rather…uncomfortable." Sirius smiles easily and nods, setting the plate back down on the table.

"Why does she make you uncomfortable?"

"I think she's angry at my mum. She seems to resent her for making my dad leave his job. Although, mum didn't _make _him leave it. He chose to." Remus looks at his thumb and bites the nail carefully, his nose scrunched as he attempts to rip the hangnail from his finger without causing too much pain. "But she's always…a little bit rude to mum. Not noticeably, of course, because dad wouldn't have it. But in a roundabout way."

"Oh yes," Sirius says, leaning against the refrigerator. "I know all about roundabout ways. My family has those perfected." He thinks he does a rather good job of disguising the hatred in his voice, but Remus can read him just as well as he can read Remus. The werewolf offers Sirius a sympathetic smile and sucks in a breath.

"Are you done eating? I should bin all this up and put it away." Sirius nods and watches Remus put the food into containers, seal them and stack them in the fridge. He's never seen food stored that way – carefully sorted and placed in clear containers. He waits until Remus has closed the fridge to sit down at the table.

Remus picks his mug up from the counter and joins Sirius, sitting across from him, and accidently brushing Sirius' leg in the process. "What did you get me for Christmas?" Sirius asks quickly, hoping he can catch Remus off guard.

"Oh no, you're not getting me on that one again. And besides, maybe I haven't bought your gift yet. I thought we were going shopping with Lily and James tomorrow?" He smiles sardonically and lifts his mug in a mock toast to Sirius, drinks some of the steaming liquid.

Sirius rolls his eyes. "You always do your Christmas shopping in _July_, Moony. I know you've got my gift. What is it?"

"What have you gotten me, then?"

"Oh, no. I can't tell you that."

Remus opens his mouth to reply, but his mother comes into the kitchen and cuts him off. "Good morning, boys. I'm glad you're up. Did you get enough to eat?" She glances at the dishes that Remus has put in the sink and smiles.

"Yes, Mum. Put the left overs in the fridge." She opens the appliance and nods.

"Thanks." She turns to them and her smile flickers for a moment, it's so fast that Sirius almost misses it. "Your father went to pick your aunt Ida up – just down the lane. They should be back soon." Remus nods and rises from the table.

"We'll go get dressed. There's enough water if you want tea," Remus says, gesturing for Sirius to come with him.

"Thank you, Remus," she says quietly as they leave the kitchen.

When they are upstairs in Remus' bedroom, Sirius falls back onto his bed, which – for having been transformed from a cot – is rather comfortable. He snuggles into the blankets and groans when Remus pulls open the curtains. It's only a small amount, but enough to let the very bright sunlight in so that it burns at Sirius' eyes. "What'd you do that for?" he asks, throwing his forearm over his eyes.

"I need to see what I'm picking out to wear. But I've got to shave first, I guess," Remus says, running his hand over his cheek once more.

"You should leave the stubble," Sirius says without thinking, still comfortable in the bed and worried about going blind. "It's sexy." He can hear the stillness of Remus when he stops moving and the silence is frightening. Sirius doesn't want to move his arm to see how Remus has reacted to his slip of the tongue. Remus' heart is hammering in his chest, his hands on the bottom of his shirt so that he can remove it. He has frozen at the end of his bed and he coughs when Sirius pulls his arm away to look covertly at him. "I didn't…mean…you know, I was just…"

"Joking, yeah," Remus says in a rush. But he pulls his shirt back on and hurries out of the room to shave, leaving Sirius angry with himself and his stupid mouth.

Very soon, the boys are dressed and downstairs, where Sirius is being introduced to Remus' aunt Ida, who looks remarkably like John Lupin and his uncle Ed, who looks nothing like he should be married to a wife so stocky. Remus notes that Sirius is his usual, charming self with both of them, polite and friendly. There is nothing of the nervous boy who Remus ran away from only twenty minutes before. Remus tries to be normal when his aunt Ida hugs him – a little too tight to be affectionate – and his uncle Ed shakes his hand, staring at the scar that drapes over Remus' hand. But Remus' mind continues to drift back to his earlier conversation with Sirius. Remus is sure that Sirius is embarrassed about what was said, he's sure that Sirius is scared Remus doesn't even want to be in a room with him anymore. But Remus doesn't know how to tell him none of that's true. Remus isn't sure how to say that he _liked _what Sirius said, and _that's _why he ran from the room.

He can't help wondering if that's even worse that what Sirius is afraid of.


	8. Truth

Title: Truth  
>Rating: PG-13<br>Words: ~2,500  
>Pairing(s): RLSB, JP/LE (background)  
>Warning(s): Angst, hints at homophobia, discussions of past rape<br>Summary: Remus has a nightmare and finds comfort in his friend, and find the opportunity to return the favor later on during a shopping trip.  
>Disclaimer: Any and all recognizable characters belong to JKR.<p>

* * *

><p>When Remus wakes in the middle of the night, his mind is muddled, his cheeks are wet and his throat is sore. The sheets are tangled around him and damp with sweat. Sirius is standing over him with a fearful look on his face. Remus shrinks subconsciously back from his friend's imposing silhouette and fumbles for his wand on the bedside table; as soon as his fingers grip the wood, the wand tip lights without him speaking. Remus realizes his chest is heaving with shallow breaths and he blinks up at Sirius. "What happened?" he asks the boy, swallowing at the dryness in his throat. Remus pulls at his pyjama shirt which suddenly feels too tight around his neck, and stares fearfully up at Sirius. "What's going on?" There's a soft knock on the door and John lets himself in.<p>

Remus' father takes in the scene: Sirius hovering anxiously over Remus, whose eyes are darting everywhere but in John's direction. "Is everything okay?" he asks, his voice gruff with sleep. "Mary thought she heard something."

"Everything's fine Mr. Lupin," Sirius finally speaks. He reaches down to smooth Remus' hair back from his brow. "Remus just had a nightmare." Remus blinks up at his friend once more before looking at his father, who is standing – unsure – in the doorway. He won't leave until his son gives him some sort of confirmation.

"Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to wake you and Mum up." John nods and backs out of the room, but doesn't close the door all of the way.

"What were you dreaming about?" Sirius asks, walking over to shut the door with an almost silent snick.

"I…I don't know." Remus answers honestly. The last thing he can recall is talking to Sirius about his Uncle Ed's motorcycle shop before falling asleep.

Sirius returns to the side of Remus' bed and regards the boy for a moment. "You were screaming pretty loud." Remus wonders if Sirius didn't see the tears, or if he's intentionally failing to mention them. Either way, he feels his face flush and _Nox_es his wand, just in case. "You asked someone what they were doing," Sirius mutters and it's almost resentful. As though the words have been forced from his unwilling mouth.

"It was just a nightmare, Sirius." Remus' voice is icy in the darkness of the bedroom. "I'm sorry I woke you."

Silence stretches between them and Remus isn't sure how long it is before Sirius tentative hand passes awkwardly over his neck, cool fingers against burning skin. "Are you ever going to tell anyone about what happened?" His voice is so quiet, Remus knows that he could ignore Sirius and pretend he never heard him.

But he knows that Sirius would just ask again, with more clarity and so he pulls back from the fingers that are gently untangling the knots in his hair and leans against his headboard with a muffled groan. "I don't see how that's any of your business."

"I think it would help if you did," Sirius murmurs cautiously, holding the fabric of Remus' blanket in his hands. Remus doesn't reply, he just rolls over so that his back is to Sirius. It's a good 20 minutes before he hears the rustle of fabric and Sirius' slowing breaths, indicating the other boy has fallen asleep. Remus takes and deep breath and pulls his bedding up around his chin, his knees to his chest and shivers.

"I was reading a book," he says and he hears Sirius' breaths change rhythm. He knows his friend is awake, but he can't stop. Not now that he's started. "And you came into the room, but you were acting a little weird. You were wearing the wrong clothes and you weren't talking much. At first, when you grabbed me, I didn't know what you were doing. I didn't even think I should be scared. But then you…you threw me to the floor and it's all really a blur." He sucks in a shaking breath and wonders if he should really be doing this. He feels sick to his stomach and gets out of bed to stand by the trash can. He can see that Sirius is lying quite still in his bed, the dark shape of his prone form comforts Remus somehow as he sits, cross legged, on the floor and holds the bin to his chest.

"I asked you to stop. I asked you what you were doing, even though I knew by that point." Remus lets out a quiet little sob and tilts forward, resting his forehead on the lip of the bin. "I didn't want to lose you again, Sirius. I gave you so many chances, but then you," Remus lets out a quiet, half-sob, "You went through with it and I knew I wouldn't…couldn't forgive you for that."

"No." Sirius' voice is quiet and cautious in the space that Remus leaves between his words.

"And then it was over so fast and James came upstairs and…well, you know the rest." Remus looks up from the rubbish bin and his heart is pounding but he knows he isn't going to be sick now. "I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone," he says, regaining control of himself, making his body move towards the bed.

"Of course not," Sirius says. And they both pretend to go to sleep.

S&R&S&R&S&R&S&R

When his alarm clock says 7:30, Remus figures it's early enough to get up without causing concern for his parents. He pushes his blankets off and his body falls out of the bed of its own accord, tired of the mind induced prison it has been forced to endure all night. Rising from the floor, Remus looks over to see Sirius watching him hesitantly, and there is something new in his gaze that sends a shiver through Remus' spine and makes him want to simultaneously turn away and run to Sirius all at once. "Is it time to get up?" Sirius asks, and Remus knows that voice. It's the voice of all-nighters, the voice of no sleep. He nods at Sirius and pulls his blankets back until his bed resembles something made.

"I couldn't just lie there anymore," Remus admits when Sirius' back is turned to him. "You want to go for a walk?" He sees the back of Sirius' head move with a short nod. They dress quickly and Remus leaves a note for his mum on the kitchen table before they leave. It's a windy morning and Remus pulls his coat tighter around him. Next to his, Sirius is trying to tuck his hair into his scarf so that it doesn't get even more tangled in the wind. He isn't having much luck. Remus laughs and stops walking to give Sirius a hand; once his hair is safe from the strong gusts of cold air, Remus asks Sirius if he wants to go a see the cows. "It's not too far of a walk," he offers.

"Sure, let's go." Sirius shoves his hands in his coat pockets and grins at the sun rise.

"What's so funny?"

"I've seen hippogriffs and thestrals –"

"Sirius, you can't see thestrals."

"Yeah, but I've seen them eating. And that counts, because that's all most people see. And I've seen all kinds of other animals that muggles will never see. But I've never seen a cow."

Remus laughs and bumps into Sirius as they avoid a hole in the ground and turn down the lane towards the barn. "A lot of muggles have never seen cows."

"Really?" Remus nods and laughs again when there's a loud moo from the barn, stopping Sirius in his tracks. He looks fearfully at Remus and then back to the barn.

"It's okay, that's a cow." Remus puts an arm around Sirius' shoulders. "Most farmers keep their cattle in the pasture unless they're milking them or getting them ready to go to the slaughterhouse. But my dad has a bit of a soft spot for them. He's scared they'll get too cold out there. So overnight, he keeps them in the barn." He opens the large barn door only enough for them to squeeze through, and shuts it immediately upon their entry. Sirius realizes that it's because the cattle, instead of being in stalls of their own, are all milling about the barn together. One smaller cow walks past him, brushing up against his side, in order to get to Remus.

The werewolf reaches out both hands to run them over the animal's face, and it closes its eyes, pressing forward into Remus' touch. Sirius doesn't know anything about cows, but he would bet that this one is enjoying itself. "This is Rebryna," Remus says, running his hands over the cow's chest and then patting her on the back. "She was far too small when she was born and the herd tried to kill her. That's what they do. But my father kept her safe and let me feed her. She doesn't give milk and she's certainly no good for beef, so my dad let me keep her as a sort of pet." The cow butts her head gently into Remus' chest, eliciting a quiet chuckle from the boy. "She gets along okay with the rest of them, now." He notices that Sirius is watching him with silent interest. "Would you like to pet her?" he asks quietly.

Sirius isn't sure what to say – he _has _pet hippogriffs, which are certainly larger and more imposing than the cow in front of him – but for some reason, there is something different about this herd of animals. He's not sure if it's the lack of magic in their veins, or if it's the love and affection that they've been given by John Lupin, but he's not familiar with this type of animal. He's not sure what to make of the cattle. Before he can answer Remus, though, the boy's hand is reaching out take his and running it over the cow's back. Rebryna stays very still under his hand and though her hair is coarse, she feels so warm under his fingers. Remus pulls his own hand back and Sirius realizes that he misses the other boy's touch, forces himself to stroke the cow and few times on his own before she starts to amble towards the water.

"There," Remus says, smiling brightly. "You can tell James all about that today. I'll bet that's something he's never done."

Sirius shakes his head and they go back to the house for breakfast. Remus' mom has already started breakfast in the kitchen when the boys come in, stomping the snow off of their boots and hanging up their coats. Remus has to grit his teeth to avoid being impertinent when he sees his aunt Ida lounging in a chair, watching his mum rush around the kitchen. It's as though Sirius reads his mind because he's in the kitchen before Remus, asking what he can do to help. "Oh, you boy's don't have to do anything," Remus' mom says, brushing Sirius off politely. But Remus starts to make some coffee anyways and sets Sirius to work on the eggs.

"Sit down and relax," Remus orders her. "You're on vacation, too." It takes some cajoling, but eventually, Mary is seated at the table with a steaming mug of coffee in her hands while the boys finish making breakfast.

"You boys sure are up early for a holiday," Remus' aunt says slowly.

"We couldn't sleep," Remus tells her. "So I took Sirius to meet Rebryna." He grins at his mum. "He's never seen a cow before."

"Yes," Ida says, effectively cutting off his mum's reply. "Because cows are so fascinating." Mary sighs, but she shoots Remus a look that plainly says he is to keep his mouth shut. Sirius, however, either doesn't see her warning look or doesn't care.

"Oh, I found them _extremely _interesting. I've never seen an animal like that before – one that doesn't have in magic in it. My parents would never let me." Ida just looks at him for a moment and Remus swallows, staring at the back of Sirius' head.

"Are you two going to go shopping today?" Mary asks quietly and the tension seems to dissolve.

S&R&S&R&S&R&S&R

"A what?" James stares at Sirius, eyes wide and listens to the description of the motorcycle. Sirius wishes he had brought the picture that Remus' uncle Ed gave him.

"A motorcycle. I'm going to buy one," Sirius says proudly. He runs his fingers over the soft leather jacket and glances at Remus and Lily, who are looking for something that Remus can give to his mother for Christmas.

"Sirius?" James asks quietly. When Sirius looks at his mate, the boy is staring out the window.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something…personal?"

"Sure. What's up?" Sirius isn't sure what James wants to know, but there's only one thing that he doesn't want to share with his friend, and he's sure that James won't be asking about that.

"Are you seeing anyone?" James glances at Lily and Remus and looks away quickly. "That I don't know about?"

"No," Sirius says honestly, shaking his head, even though James still isn't looking at him. "Why?"

"Why not?" James asks, finally staring inquisitively at Sirius. "You dated five girls in fifth year alone. And just before winter hols, I thought you were seeing someone in –"

"Kia, yeah. Not anymore, though."

"Why not?" James asks again, and Sirius feels his ears ringing as another customer steps into the shop, the bell ringing on the door.

"I… I don't-"

"Are you _gay_?" James whispers the last word and moves close to Sirius when he says it, effectively blocking out the rest of the world.

Sirius stares at James and he wants to shake his head, he wants to refute the accusation, but he can't do anything. He can't move at all, his throat is dry and there aren't any words. James is staring at him, there's something discerning in his glare, and Sirius feels a shiver run though him. Goosebumps cover his arms, even under his wool coat. "Why would you ask that?" Remus says from behind him and Sirius finally feels it in him to move. He whirls around to see Remus behind him, holding a bag and regarding James carefully.

James blinks at Remus and shakes his head. "Never mind, doesn't matter anyways." They wait in silence until Lily returns from the loo and then they go for lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius' sandwich tastes like dust in his mouth, but Remus bumps his thigh under the table and he almost chokes on the food, smiles up at him in thanks and finishes eating.


End file.
